The last 3 months have been incredibly challenging. From the last two months of my pregnancy rendering me essentially useless, an incredibly traumatizing birth experience, Papito getting sick, B getting sick, struggling with postpartum psychosis and having no clue what was going on, watching Chiquito start to turn blue after he vomited in his sleep and rushing him to the ER with B and Papito three hours away, Chiquito passing blood in his diapers and ending up with a milk intolerance, my husband accepting a new job in a new town shortly after Chiquito was born and trying to move our entire family within a month, buying a house in that time, trying to sell our house, having a fallout with my dad, finding out my husband and his family thinks I hate them, trading in our cars and buying a new one, to packing up our lives within a few days to move to a new town while our house still has no prospects and we have no idea what’s going to happen…
It sure as hell has been feeling like it would just be easier to stop everything.
Just stop.
I want to stop worrying about the next shoe that might drop. I can already tell my mom is tired of hearing my problems and concerns.
I want to stop worrying about whether we will sell our house in time, or how we’re going to pay for a mortgage and rent each month until our house sells.
I want to stop worrying about packing the house, and what’s going to happen when B goes back to work.
I want to stop planning how I’m going to manage unpacking the house, keeping the boys loved and entertained, keeping myself sane – all while adjusting to a new environment and new circumstances.
I want to stop worrying about whether my dad and I will make up, whether or not we will be able to throw Papito his first birthday party in the midst of yet another wave of COVID, whether B’s family will be able to see the boys before we move, or if they’ll end up resenting me for keeping them from their grandkids – when it’s truly not me trying to keep them away. It’s COVID. It’s always been COVID.
I am tired, and I am so ready to give up. But we aren’t in a position to give up even if we wanted to. How do I keep myself going and at the same time keep my husband motivated and encouraged long enough to get through this? How do I communicate that everything we ever wanted is on the other side of not giving up?
In this new town we will have a new freedom that we haven’t had our entire relationship. We will have a new house with room to run and a kitchen big enough to teach the boys to cook. We’ll have an office that gives me not only a quiet place to write in, but a place to focus on the bills, the budget, the house planning and the meal planning. We’ll have a laundry room large enough to have a dance party in. We’ll have two bathrooms and an entire floor we can give to patient zero to quarantine in when one of us gets sick. We’ll have a yard big enough to host a party in, a garage we can actually use, and a porch we can actually sit on.
We’ll have coffee shops we can go to without feeling competitive, resentful, or unwelcome. There will be new places, new experiences for our entire family, things to actually do and look forward to. We’ll have places we can take people to when they come to visit. Granted, there are only about four or five fast food/restaurants that we can eat at, and we’ll have to buy a deep freeze because there is no cheese in that town that’s kosher for us to buy. But that just means that we’ll be cooking at home more – which will be great because we’ll be eating healthier and we’ll have more time together as a family.
Everything B and I have been wanting since we’ve lived in this house, our current home, all of the little things that we have been missing, will be available to us after this move.
And I feel pretty positive about it all.
I feel good knowing there will be a coffee shop where I might be able to make some new friends and pick up a few shifts. I love the idea of being able to take my family there some rainy Sunday morning, and then go home and bake chocolate chip cookies. I adore the idea of watching my kids through the kitchen window kick the soccer ball around in the backyard as I clean up from lunch. I can imagine marking their height on the door frame for all their big mile stones – from their first playdate to their first real date. I picture the four of us cozied up on the sofa in the basement for family movie night, and I imagine the boys blowing the shofar in the backyard during Yom Teruah.
I’m excited to teach the boys how to read from the siddur and watch them choose their first kippah. I can’t wait to wake Papito up in the wee-morning hours of Friday to have him make challah with me for Shabbat while we drink hot chocolate. And I want us to be able to afford whatever streaming service gets B his soccer games so he and the boys can shout and cheer in the basement when Messi scores a goal or Tottenham wins a game at the last second.
And I know all of this is possible because God has made this entire moving process go swiftly and so smooth. I KNOW we have yet to find a buyer for our house, but I also KNOW that He has someone in mind. He has made the moving process so easy that it’s quite literally impossible for me to think it’s anything other than what He wants for us. We’re on His ~exact path (with some room for error because we’re humans). But I don’t know how to convince my husband that that’s the truth. I don’t know how to show him how just taking a breath and having faith is what will get us through this.
Other than, maybe, taking a breath and showing him my faith will get me through this. Because everything we’ve ever wanted is on the other side of us not giving up.
Of me not giving up.
Of me encouraging my husband to keep going, because we’re so close to the happiness we’ve been working towards.
This move isn’t a relief from the past three months – it’s a relief from the past 6 years. And we’ve come so far to just stop now.
But I will allow us to stop, for a moment, to savor the life we’ve had in this house.
To savor the blessings we’ve been showered with since the day we met.
And to look forward to the blessings ahead.
Rosemary & Mint 